


Two Sides of the Same Coin

by althaiageovana



Category: The Queen's Gambit (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28191606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/althaiageovana/pseuds/althaiageovana
Summary: With the absence of the warm pair of arms that had once encircle her bare waist, the heat and weight of a chest pressed to her back, and the soft kisses that peppered her neck which had also filled her ears with breathless moans during the wee hours of twilight, Beth clutched the king close to her chest and succumbed to yet another fitful slumber.
Relationships: Beth Harmon/Benny Watts
Comments: 21
Kudos: 204





	1. Sweets Nothing and Sweet Scents

Thick, white snow covered the streets, with trees bare and still as the cold, dry breeze. Only the reflection of the sun’s brightness could be seen against the cloud bank filled sky as it hid for all to see. Sitting by the large panel window of an old brick, snow covered inn, with a worn-out quilt covering her petite form, said petite red head could be seen staring out into the white world with bloodshot eyes and slightly cracked lips, having yet just risen from another night of fitful sleep.

It had been 3 days since she’d won the international chess tournament and abandoned the company of her watchful guards in exchange of play chess with the old Russian folks at the near-by park. Beth had been taken by the carefree and fun atmosphere as everyone around could be seen playing and basking in each other’s company despite the cold ambience, without the need or pressure of winning. Something she’d been unable to do since she had made it her goal to reach the top. 

So every morning at 6:00AM, Beth would take a stroll at that same park and sit with one of the many old men, patiently waiting for their opponents or for a chance to play with World Chess Champion, Elizabeth Harmon.  
But today wasn’t one of those mornings. Having only 2 more days remaining in Moscow, Beth had barely gone out other than spending time at the park rather than her usual touring or shopping. 

When the win against Borgov had finally hit her, everything around stopped, the world being in a stalemate.  
With the thrill and adrenaline of the tournament coming down, anxiety slowly started to creep in around her as the day of her departure back to the US drew near. The matters she had been pushing away to the very depths of her mind resurfacing as reality once again starts to catch up and unfurl.

Beth stands up, the quilt sliding off her thin, pale shoulders and onto the red-carpet floor, as she walks over to nightstand by the queen-sized bed and takes hold of the chest piece that had been staying beside her since it had been placed in her hand, another reminder of her victory. 

Delicate fingers traced the sharp lines that outlined the king and Beth thought back to the day of the tournament, when Townes appeared before her, and when she heard the husky voice that had helped her for five weeks at the siren filled noise basement apartment in New York City, and that had also filled her senses with sweets nothings and soft moans.

With a sigh, Beth sat on the edge of the bed as painful and heavy emotions filled her chest. Even after everything that she had done, how much she kept her guards up, and how much she chose to keep everyone at bay, the people around her still did everything they could to help her win. Yet she knew how much she was at the brink of breaking. How close she was to giving it all up, the hard work that she and everyone else that helped her going all to cinders and finally succumbing to the voices that made her crave for the alcoholic substance and tranquilizer that made all the hurt go away.

Yet each time she thought of doing so, the memory of her and a certain blond grandmaster playing speed chess would pop in her head, laughter filling the dreary basement apartment, and remind her of how far she had gotten that had all started from a letter asking for a 5-dollar entrance fee and a promise to repay it back 2 folds. 

As the memories came back to haunt her, vividly replaying over and over again in her mind, the pain and heaviness worsens, and hot prickly tears starts to well up around her tired eyes. Beth lifts the covers and sinks into the soft mattress and layers of blankets, her small form engulfed by the warm cotton. But the feeling doesn’t last as she remembers the absence of the warm pair of arms that had once encircle her bare waist, the heat and weight of a thinly hair chest pressed on her back, and the soft kisses that peppered her neck, filling her ears with breathless moans during the wee hours of twilight. 

With a soft sob, Beth clutched the king close to her chest and succumbed to exhaustion, falling yet again into another restless slumber.

\- o - 

In his smoke-filled apartment, Benny Watts sat in front of an open chess set, a cigar slowly burning away between his slender fingers, as he stares at the chess pieces that was arranged the same way the Times reported of how the new USSR Champion, Elizabeth Harmon had played out to defeat the long time, previous USSR Champion Vasily Borgov.

As Benny pensively stare at the arrangement, of which he had been doing so for the past 3 days, he couldn’t help but feel proud and respect towards the petite red head, that not long ago he had continued to win against countless rounds of speed chess at a student cafeteria, continue to astonish and surprise him with each feat she would accomplish. 

But it is also at his dining chair that Benny spent majority of his waking hours, patiently waiting for a phone call that would eventually carry the voice he’d been longing to hear and say his name, ever since the last time they spoke before going away and once again, far from his reach. 

He knew that there was a slim chance she would. After telling her to never call him again, she had kept to her end and hasn’t once ringed him even when she had been alone in facing the people they had once worked together against.

It had been him that couldn’t stay away, that couldn’t stand to leave her by her lonesome. So, he did everything that he could, including for paying the most expensive phone call he would ever do and gathering people from different parts of the country to help the woman he couldn’t seem to let go. 

And here he is yet again, day by day by the phone, waiting for something that might never happen at all.

With a deep inhale of his cigar, Benny puts it out on the metal ash tray by the chess board and saunters over to his bedroom, his robe swaying side to side along his low hanging jeans. 

As he reaches the door frame, he pauses at the entrance as his nose takes in the sweet-like fragrance that should have disappeared months ago and stirs up the memories and feelings that seemed to come along with it, as his mind is once again overtaken by the memory of a small, lithe body entangled in his sheets that was once enclosed in his arms, a small back pressed to his chest, and an expanse of soft supple skin that seemed impossible not to pepper with kisses for hours on end. 

Running his fingers roughly against his blond tresses, Benny looks up towards the ceiling, his breathing heavy as his hands grip his hips tightly that crescent marks could be seen with how hard his nails were digging into his skin. With golden lashes slowly fluttering against his alabaster colored skin and arms dangling heavily at his side, Benny drags his feet towards the bed, falling face first against the springy mattress and releases a heavy sigh. 

Turning towards the rumpled sheets, Benny brings the material towards his chest and breathes in the supposedly non-existent scent, which eventually lulls him to sleep. His dreams filled with a certain ginger haired woman, whose doe-like eyes seemed to keep drawing him in, releasing the feelings he had been repressing and willing to hide after the countless rejections of being and belonging with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 3/5/2021


	2. Kentucky

On board a first-class passenger seat, Beth sat with her legs tucked under her quilt, the sound of the turbines reverberating around the aircraft as the passengers were dozing away the remaining few hours of the flight. In her hands lay the king chess piece, pressed to her stomach, as it was the only thing that was anchoring her and her sobriety to the world. 

A full glass of Gibson could be seen innocently on top of the reclining table, yet sinfully waiting to be consumed, and a small glass bottle containing 3 green pills that she had found tucked away in her suite case that had been forgotten, now hidden in the side pocket of her carry-on bag.

Beth glared at the Gibson, regretting the change of her order when the flight stewardess had asked for her drinks. At first, she had answered a coke but had cancelled it midway for the alcoholic drink. Ever since the last time she had flushed the tranquilizer pills down the toilet and given up alcohol during her stay in Moscow, the cravings for her vices had died down. 

But with her impending return to Kentucky, the world seems to be getting back at her misgivings as the voices that encouraged her addiction had now returned at full force along with the reality she had been escaping from. She had been so sure she had gotten passed this. That having emerged victorious and on top would have given her a more resolute and stronger resolve yet here she sat in a plane, on the way back to her ‘home’ that for some reason, no longer felt like home, and more of an obligation she needed to return to.

_“You wouldn’t be thinking it if you were with me”_

“I know” Beth whispered.

_“So come with me”_

“I can’t. I don’t need to drag you with me. You don’t deserve it” 

Beth reached for the glass, the clear liquid reflecting her image. She paused to look at the reflection before bringing the glass to her mouth and drinking the Gibson in one go before setting the glass back to where it originally waited. 

She reached for the rest of the quilt to fully cover her body, legs tucked and folded with one hand securely holding the chess piece against her chest, stopping her from reaching for the small glass bottle in her bag. As the numbing and calming effects of the alcohol take over, Beth looks out the cloud filled skies and relishes in the numbing aftereffects as she neared her destination.

+

Turning the lock on the door, Beth enters her Kentucky house, the inside looking emptier than before even with the newly bought furniture. As she drops her bags with a resounding thud on the floor, Beth walks over to the wall mounted phone but pauses midway as she reaches for the handle before retracting her hand and dropping it to her side.

She crouches down, her hands reaching over to rub the back of her neck, then extends back to sags against the back of the sofa.

A memory flashes through her head of when she sat on a chair in front of her old mentor inside the dimly lit, cluttered basement of her old Methuen institution. A small jolt of amusement courses through her when she realized that she has become quite fond of being around people who had specifically mentored her and had lived or lives in dreary basements. But it doesn't last long as the nostalgia washes over her.

_With a gruff voice and contemplating eyes, Mr. Shaibel had said_  
“People like you have a hard time. You have your gift, and you’ve got what it costs. It’s hard to say for you on what that’ll mean. You’ll have your time in the sun, but for how long?  
You have so much anger in you. You have to be careful.” 

_Was this one of the things Mr. Shaibel meant before? Was this what he was trying to telling me?_ Beth pondered. She had asked Georgi during her Tournament in Mexico a similar thing of what he would do after he’d reached the top. Yet here she lay at the top of her expertise, not knowing what to do next. Some role model she was.

“Maybe he was right. Maybe I will be end up as some washed-up chess player” She chuckled humorlessly. 

Beth closes her eyes and drops her head in between her knees as wraps her arms around herself. With a deep breath, she shifts her head to the side as she takes out the king piece from her pocket and looks over to the mounted phone. The sound of the words she’d been longing to hear again replaying in the hollow room. 

_I miss you_

“I miss you too”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated 3/5/2021


	3. Queen

“You’re on them again” Thick eyebrows frowned at the muffled sound as large brown eyes blinked a few times, its focus far from where it should be, not really registering the sound that had just been heard. 

“What?” Beth distractedly replied. Her pupils blown, skin pale and clammy, wearing only a thin white, stain night gown and an oversized robe as her head unsteady turns towards the newly arrived, unnoticed guest.

Blinking a few more times and squinting to clear her fuzzy vision, Jolene stood beside the bottle and garment filled couch, wearing a prim black suite, having spent the day working at her law firm when she had heard the disturbing news regarding her red head sister that had arrived weeks ago from Moscow. After driving Beth to the airport for the tournament, Jolene had constantly checked the Times, waiting for news from the daily newspaper about the red head. 

When the local publishing had announced her victory, she had burst in delight and patiently waited for her return. But as 5 weeks went by with no contact, the young paralegal had become increasingly worried that something might have happened, preventing Beth from calling her. 

She was right.

While going around the supermarket, Jolene had overhead the cashiers gossiping about the copious amount of alcohol and cigarettes that was being purchased by the recently returned chess champion. Jolene didn’t think twice after paying for her groceries and had swiftly driven to the white Kentucky House. 

When she arrived, she walked straight for the door, knocking a few times and calling Beth’s name before turning the knob that wasn’t even locked and saw the once again cluttered mess of bottles and clothes before focusing her attention on the woman sitting on the bar stool at the kitchen counter, a cigar in between bony fingers, not even noticing her sudden intrusion.

Having drank more than she ate for the past weeks, Beth didn’t even notice the amount of time that had passed since she first started intaking the green pills again, a week after her arrival in Kentucky. At first, she had been able to tune-out the voices, distracting herself with cleaning and walking around the neighborhood. A habit she picked up from the early mornings in Moscow.

But as the days went by, it became increasingly difficult for her to hold out as it started with one glass, then another, until it was a whole bottle. The longer she stayed in Kentucky, the more she realized how there truly was nothing there but the house she had insisted on living in for the memories she spent with her adopted mother during the start of her career and the years that followed before her death.

Now, the memories that drove her forward only seems to drag her down, as a constant reminder of how she has once again been left alone by another mother. Endless memories that would torment her every waking moment, driving her to the comfort of the countless alcoholic drinks and tranquility pills that took the pain and sadness away, like how she’d watched dear Alma with her own sorrows of being alone, childless and basically widowed.

Yet even with the hazy and cloudy effects of what she took, she would still find herself drifting back to the siren noise filled apartment, sitting on the old narrow couch with a book in hand, feet resting on a warm lap, and a constant spicy citrus scent filling her senses for each breath she would take, with butterflies fluttering about her stomach because of the smoldering looks that would flick her way every few moments.  
The safety that the slender arms provided had curbed her addiction and had turned it into something far more dangerous. A constant want and need to be near that spicy citrus scent, to touch, to feel, to hold and possess in a way she had never felt before. An array of foreign feelings and emotions she could barely understand despite her sharp mind.

Refocusing on standing figure by the couch, Beth takes in the presence of Jolene that she was sure had not been there when she had come down this morning for her usual drink. Come to think of it, she’d been meaning to call her and pay back the money she was lent for the tournament, but it seems to have slipped her mind. 

Beth drags her arms to push off the counter but ends up leaning heavily on it instead, as she tries to stand up. Jolene walks around the clutter littered floor and placed her handbag on the kitchen island before taking hold of Beth’s shoulders, guiding her down to stay seated. She then sits in front of the stool next to Beth’s and takes in the situation.

“I didn’t hear you come in” Beth stated.

“I’m sure you didn’t. I don’t think you would’ve noticed even if a bomb went off at the next street. Not in your state, cracker”

“I’m fine”

There it is. The same situation, the same answer. 

“You most certainly are not fine. Not before when you left and most certainly not now that you’re back.” Jolene had countered and released a heavy sigh. She could see the dark circles under Beth’s eyes, her natural pale skin now a sickly color, lips chapped and dry, and her petite form looking smaller than it had ever been before.

Beth stared at Jolene for a few seconds before looking out of the living room window, no longer giving her remaining attention. The bright sun irritating her tired eyes as prickly tears start to build up. She had been crying for so long. She was just beyond exhausted now. 

Seeing as she wasn’t going to getting much from Beth, Jolene stands up from the counter and starts cleaning the surrounding clutter just as she had previously done. As there wasn’t as much compared to before, at least it wasn’t going to take her as long as the first time around. 

Beth had stayed seated on the stool, watching as the remainder of the day transitioned into night, another day passing by.

\+ 

Five weeks and three days.

That was how long she had been back and since they had talked over the phone at Moscow, and a total of ten weeks since the last time they had last seen each other. Ten weeks of constantly being on guard for a call about the tournament and five weeks of painstakingly waiting for her return. 

Benny Watts, the longtime USA chess champion, a prodigy in his field, has been reduced to waiting for a phone call that might never occur because of his utterly besotted feelings towards a young, doe-eyed ginger, that had caught his attention since their first match during the US Championships in 1966, and maybe even before then. She had caught his interest and has since kept track of her right until she had won the USSR World title. 

But now, it’s as if she’d disappeared from the face of the earth and Benny would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. Even when she was preoccupied with countless tournaments, he was still able to get wind of her activities through his colleges and the Times due to her well-known competitions. 

Yet, no one, not even Harry Beltik, the twins or Townes, knew what had recently happened to her and was even the ones to contact him first, inquiring if he had any knowledge of her sudden disappearance which he himself had no answer to.

Running a hand across his face and moving it to the top of his head to lightly grip his hair, Benny roughly scratches his fingers across his scalp as he looks down at the table, still occuped by the same chess board as 5 weeks ago. All he had to do was call, Benny thought to himself. If he calls now, he can get a semblance of peace from the worry that’s been eating away at him. He’ll be able to finally hear her voice just to know that she was still alive and not passed out somewhere, drunk and out of her mind. 

Moving to sit on the old sofa, Benny starts another attempt by reaches his hand towards the telephone, only to stops midway as he takes hold of the receiver, gripping it tightly before once again letting it go, never being able to go past gripping the receiver. With a great huff, Benny shoots up from the couch and paces in front of the chess board. 

How long must he wait for her next move? Benny had left the ball in her court. He had sealed his move, tucked it away in an envelope, and left it to Beth to continue the game. But the more he waits, the less likely it looks for it to continue. 

With one last look at the chest board, he slowly reaches for the queen, holding it gently as if it were porcelain and walks over to the coat rack and stares at the cream knitted scarf that he hopes to one day be reclaimed by its owner. 

“One more.” Benny whispers. Raising the queen to his lips, giving it a soft kiss, and moving it slightly away with a slight tremble of his fingers. An agonizing look appearing on his face, eyes glistening. 

“I’ll wait one more week for you Harmon. Then, I’ll let you go.”


	4. Turning Point

Jolene had stayed in Lexington for five days. 

Five days of taking care of her alcoholic and addict sister that hadn’t told her until much later of what had happened to have made her return to the arms of her self-destructing vices. After cleaning up on her first day, she made sure Beth didn’t drink or intake any more tranquility pills and had helped her to her room, bathing and clothing her in a silk nightgown with the oversized robe she couldn’t seem to let go of, before getting a good night’s rest. 

When Beth was out cold to the world, Jolene had made it her mission to find every single pill Beth had hidden, and flush it down the toilet, along with the numerous alcohol beverages that was stocked in her fridge down the drain. 

On her second day, she had cooked breakfast with the groceries she brought with her the previous day, scrambled eggs being the priority due to her pale skinned sister’s never-ending fondness of the white and yellow colored protein. After making sure that the water for the coffee was heated, Jolene went up to Beth’s room to wake her up, only to see her face neck deep into the toilet bowl, evidence of yesterday’s activities heaving out of her small body. She walks towards the heaving body and holds her hair up, one hand rubbing her back to try and sooth her.

After what felt like a lifetime of heaving, Beth stands up to wash her mouth before looking at her miserable state in the mirror. She could see how dark the bags were under her blood-shot eyes and the hollowness of her cheeks from the lack of sustenance, skin paler than what she was born with. 

What a sight, Beth thought. Jolene hands her a towel from the cabinet before flushing the vomit filled toilet and walking out to her room. 

“Thank you” Beth said with a raspy tone. Her throat feeling parched and dry.

“Come down after you’re done with that. I bet your throat feels as bad as it sounds.” Jolene said before heading downstairs.

With a sigh, Beth grabs the robe she had discarded on the floor during her dash to the toilet, slips it on, then follows the somewhat aromatic but nauseating smell coming from the kitchen

+

The cluttering sound of the cutlery was the only thing that could be heard at the kitchen of the white Lexington house. While Jolene was slowly eating her food, Beth had taken to pushing the eggs around her plate, preferring to drink rather than eat the fluffy substance. She stands up and makes her way to the refrigerator, only to see it liquor free. With a frown, she then opens the cupboards but sees nothing but canned goods or an empty space.

“I threw it all down the drain if you’re looking for them.”

“ _What?_ ” Her voice cracking from the sudden usage as she turns towards the dark-skinned woman. 

“You aren’t going to find anything, cracker. I cleaned this place of all the things you could further intoxicate yourself with yesterday except for the packet of smokes you have upstairs. Like it should have been at the first place.” Grabbing the plates, Jolene throws the uneaten eggs and starts to do the dishes.

Beth’s temper rises. How dare she? She had no right to throw away what was in her fridge! 

A thought dawned on her as she processes what Jolene had just said. Her eyes snap towards the stairs as she runs to her bedroom cabinets, opening each one, only to see it free of the small glass bottles that she had stocked from Mexico. She kneels down to check under her bed, the boxes that contained the other dozen bottles no longer there. 

There was a knock on her door frame and Beth quickly turns her head, feeling slightly dizzy from the sudden movement. Jolene stood looking at Beth with sad eyes, conveying her thoughts of what Beth might have looked like as she desperately looks for the substances that had made her escape from reality. 

“Give. them. Back.” Beth had demanded. Her chest heaving up and down from her outburst. She needed them. She _needed_ to feel numb.

“No” 

“Jolene!” 

“No Beth. You don’t need them. You’ll be able to go on without them!. I’m so sorry, cracker. I never should have taught you about it.” Feeling guilty, Jolene bends down and takes hold of Beth’s shoulders. She could feel it trembling, her breathing increasingly getting erratic by the second.

“N-no. You don’t understand.” Beth takes hold of Jolene’s arms and her resolve crumbles. She falls forward as heavy sobs escapes her before she even notices it. Tears streaks down her cheeks as she held Jolene for dear life. It was too much. Everything was too much. Her mother, her tournament, Mr. Shaibel –

_Benny Watts_

Beth curls into herself, knees drawn up, head in between them and arms tightly around herself to shield her from the world. Seeing her so small and so vulnerable, Jolene’s eyes starts to prickle with tears as she envelops her sister in a tight hug, Beth leaning into the warmth. 

“You aren’t alone, cracker. I’m here. _We’re here_. Just as I always have when it was just the two of us.” Beth clutches into Jolene’s shirt even tighter. Her eyes screwed shut, but tears still streaming.

_“I’m so sorry”_

+

Day five of staying at Lexington and Jolene couldn’t fathom how Beth was able to hold out for so long since coming back from Moscow. A day after she was able to coach Beth into talking to her, it was as if a dam had broken and Beth had told Jolene of how it all started with Alma’s death and that she had never gotten past it, followed by her first loss against Borgov, her humiliation during the Kentucky tournament that she had been invited to play at and how she had utterly made a fool of herself, then the news of Mr. Shaibels death.

The countless amounts of liquor and pills were the only salvation Beth was able to turn to, giving her the focus she needed to reach her goal and blurring everything else which had just made it worse with no one stopping her until the moment she had been offered to go to New York city by Benny Watts. A name Jolene had noticed that Beth had spoken in such a fond and longing manner and that seemed to draw her in so much that a soft and content smile was plastered on her face, never once leaving nor wavering as she recalled their spontaneous training camp.

“Sounds to me like this Watts person is something special.” With legs crossed and one arm spread on top of the couch, Jolene payed rapped attention to Beth, who was consumed in the memories going through her head.

“He is. I think he is.” The oversized robe tightly wound around her body, a hand caressing the fabric.

“I guess that’s why you never take off the smelly robe?”

Beth chuckled and continued to caress the fabric. She looked over to Jolene, her eyes finally brightening with life. It wasn’t her intention to kidnap the robe at first, but after getting used to the daily citrus scent, she couldn’t bring herself not to bring a piece of him to her trip, a good luck charm for her tournament.

“He told me to go back to New York after I lost in Paris. I said no and didn’t call him until I needed help going to Moscow. I hurt him and he said never to call him again. The last time we spoke was when he helped me win against Borgov on the day of the tournament. We haven’t spoken since.” She looked down, her hands trembling from the withdrawal. 

“Look at me, cracker” Glistening eyes stared at Jolene. “You need to talk to him”

“But Jolene – “

“He _called_ you in Moscow. He helped you, even when you kept shooting him down and when he said not to call him again, it was still him that made the first move you nitwit. Doesn’t that mean something to you?” She had to make Beth see. She had to help her realize that she _needed_ to move. “He’s waiting for you. You know that as much as I do, just by hearing what happened. What’s holding you back? And don’t tell me it’s because he told you not to because I know you would’ve gone in a heartbeat if you really wanted to. Unless, of course, you don’t want him? Which is a shit-ton of crap if you say so.”

Beth lets out an exasperated sigh. Her head dropping back heavily on the couch. 

“Of course I want him! I’ve done nothing but think about him that it’s become so fucking frustrating Jolene!”

“Then what the hell’s stopping you, cracker? Just go to him!” Jolene knew her sister could be stubborn. It was the reason why she’d been able to persevere after all. Why she was able to continuously be at the top of her game. But this was just a whole new level of stubbornness. Stubborn denial.

“What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if I hurt him too much to even be friends with me? I don’t want to go through that again Jolene. I – “

“ – You will never know any of that unless you actually talk to him” Beth freezes and closes her mouth. “You told me yourself, You have nothing else here but an empty house. So why keep staying in Kentucky when your home is obviously waiting in New York?” Jolene stands up and grabs the handbag beside her, slinging it on her shoulder. She’s done everything she could but she couldn’t stay here after five days of missing work and being away from her fiancé anymore.

“You’re leaving already?” Beth asked, her tone sad as she tilts her head up to Jolene. The older Methuen sister reaches for Beth’s hand and gives it a squeeze before giving her a hug and a kiss on her cheek. 

“This isn’t good bye, cracker. I’ll see you when I see you. But right now, you have to make a decision if you don’t want to lose what’s important to you. Either leave now or let him go, for good.” 

With that, Jolene releases her hold on Beth and walks towards the door. Leaving Beth staring at her departing guest. As the door closes, Beth spends a few moments on the couch as she clutches the now wrinkly roble, her eyes close shut. 

Their memories once again resurfaces from where she had been repressing them, as she feels the tingling feather light kisses placed on her forehead each morning, the languid caresses on her forearm and spine when they were within an arm’s reach, and the intense look that she would often catch him staring at her with, which was the only thing that had always and without fail, made her feel alive. 

Beth snaps her eyes open, yearning to once again be under those intense blue eyes, her senses being filled by spicy citrus. With a hardened resolve, Beth Harmon searches the newspaper for the next flight to New York, finally giving into what she had been longing to do.

_I’m coming. And this time, I’m not running away anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated: 3/5/2021


	5. New York

_Attention all passenger, we will be arriving at JFK airport in less than 20 minutes. Please fold all the tables and make sure to wear your seatbelts as we make our descent…_

Buckling her seatbelt, Beth looks out the window, the city’s trademark lights reflecting on her dark chocolate eyes. She had taken the earliest flight available the very same day after Jolene had left, not even bothering to pack a luggage, but instead, only bringing a few clothes in her carry-on. For most of the flight, she had been contemplating on what to say or if Benny would accept her back at all. 

The thought of turning back had crossed her mind multiples time now, along with getting a nice frosty glass of Gibson or whatever alcohol was available to suite her nerves. But Beth knew that if she were to get one now, she’d have a hard time stopping again especially if things don’t work out. 

She needed to do this right.

As the aircraft landed, Beth had immediately unbuckled from her seat, swiftly standing up to grab her bag, practically all but running towards the exit. It was already 12:37AM and she had no idea if he would even be there or awake at this time at night. 

It doesn’t matter. 

What matters was that she was in New York and that she had a blond pirate to get to as soon as possible. If that meant waiting at his front door until morning, then so be it. Beth climbed into the first cab that she saw and immediately told the driver the address of her destination. In her medium sized carry-on, a familiar dark colored robe designed with flowers of different kinds could be seen tucked with the few garments and necessities she had brought, a king chess piece nestled on top.

\+ 

“Please stop here” Beth says as she grabs her bag and reaches for the payment.

“This is just the corner of the street. Your place is still a few houses away Miss” The driver stated, looking at Beth from the edge of his rear-view mirror.

“That’s fine. I want to walk the rest of the way.” Beth hands over the payment, lifts her bag and closes the door. The cab takes off into the night, leaving Beth standing under the lamp post. 

Blinking a few times, Beth slowly makes her way down the familiar street, the soft clicking of her steps in synch with the ticking of her wristwatch, and the gentle blowing of the wind against the fallen leaves being the only sounds that could be heard. But for each step that brought her closer, the louder her heartbeat thumped against her chest, pulsations getting louder in her ears. 

Stopping at the poorly lit stairway, she pauses before walking down the seemingly bottomless steps, her surroundings getting muffled and fuzzy. After the last step, she feels her heart stop. Beth quietly lowers her bag on the pavement and takes in a deep breath as an attempt to compose herself, her eyes closing shut before it flutters open, breathing once again controlled as she clenches her fingers into a fist, and with a slight tremble, reaches out to knock on the door.

\+ 

Ignorant to the turmoil that as happening outside of his door, Benny lay fast asleep on his couch with an open book on his lap, having fallen asleep during sometime in the late afternoon. He had just gotten home from buying groceries and meeting with some friends when a familiar book, _Modern Chess Openings_ , had caught his eye when a potato fell on the floor, leading him to the book that lay forgotten between the back of the sofa.

Pushing the couch forward, Benny reaches for the book, patting the dust that coated the covering and sets it on top of the sofa. He’d forgotten that he’d lost that book. It was one of his all-time favorites and could never get enough of reading it. After storing the rest of his groceries, Benny made himself comfortable on the couch and began to re-read the newly found book until eventually succumbing to sleep, dreams filled with rose colored glasses. 

A few hours later, Benny could once again smell the faint scent of flowers that just couldn’t seem to fade away, his consciousness slowly taking in his surroundings as the nagging feeling that had been plaguing his thoughts for the past day made its way to the surface. 

Anticipation suddenly coursed through his veins, causing his eyes to pop open, still hazy with sleep. Running a hand across his face and through his hair, Benny looks around his dark apartment, the earlier sunlight no longer filling the small room. He couldn’t stop the wave of disappointment as he realized the owner of the flowery scent was not in his apartment and that it was only he that inhabited the room. 

With a sigh, he stands up to open the light, placing the book on the edge of the sofa. As he languidly walks towards the light switch, he hears a knock on his front door making him stop in his tracks. Benny looks at the wall clock by the kitchen and sees the time of _1:05AM_. As he wasn’t expecting any guests and with no indicating signs of his friends announcing their identity the moment they knocked, Benny swiftly walks to his bedroom and reaches for the glinting dagger on the nightstand. 

Another sequence of knocks is heard and this time, it calls his name, stopping him in his tracks. Benny freezes, dagger clattering to the floor as the voice once again calls his name. The voice he had been longing to hear but never thought to hear again.

_“I like your hair”_  
_“Yeah, sure you do”_

_“Do you still like my hair?”_

_“That’s what it’s supposed to feel like”_

_“Maybe is a losers word Beth”_  
_“Benny…”_  
_“Don’t call me again”_

“Benny?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated: 3/5/21


	6. To Have

“Benny?” 

_Clack_

Beth flinches as she hears the clattering sound from the other side of the door, the noise affirming the doubts whether the purpose of her spontaneous trip was around or not. She clenches her hand tighter and raps again on the door. He was there. He was inside and he knew she was here. The question was, would he still open the door for her?

“Benny? I – Its Beth. Are you there?” Silence. Only the faint whispering of the breeze could he heard as it carried the fallen leaves down the stairs and towards her standing form, pooling around her black flats and bag. 

As the seconds felt like hours, Beth’s anxiety rose as she nervously waited to once again be able see those hypnotic and luminescent blue eyes that was just on the other side of the wooden door. Hearing no further movements, she backs away and sits down on the lower steps of the stairs, determined to wait outside until morning. 

Beth wraps her arms around her knees, folded and drawn up to her chest, her head resting in between. The exhaustion of her flight and activities was finally catching up, her body feeling weary than it was a few moments ago as her eyes finally shuts close, succumbing to sleep. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that the faint sound of the door opening could be heard before no longer being aware of the world around her.

\+ 

When the knocking had stopped, it took Benny a few moments to snap back to reality, the dagger lay forgotten on the floor. After realizing that he most certainly was not dreaming and that what was happening was very much real, he panicked, fearing that she had left after not having answered for so long and quickly made his way to the front door.

He takes a firm hold of the knob, willing his eyes to looking forward than its favor towards the ground and braces himself to be sucked in by twinkling doe-like eyes as he turns the metal knob, only to see the sleeping figure of the woman that had been plaguing his besotted mind, day in and day out.

Benny lets out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding, and his eyes softens at the sight of the woman he had been waiting for. He takes a few steps towards her and crouches down, his eyes immediately taking in her state. He notices the change in her complexion, the soft but chapped and pale lips, cheeks a bit sunken, and her frame looking even smaller than he remembered. 

Benny feels a twinge of pain in his chest as he takes in the obvious neglect Beth had done to herself. His thumb moves to caress her cheek, tucking the hair covering her face as his eyes scans every detail it could take in. 

He could feel her cheek bones being more prominent, the tint of red that had adorned her skin even as she slept no longer visible, and her face looking painfully smaller compared to last time, when he had spent many of their shared night tracing and memorizing her features. 

Benny’s hand flinches slightly when Beth shifts her head towards his hand, moving towards the source of warmth that thawed her cold cheek. Seeing as she wasn’t about to wake up anytime soon, Benny moves down to press a soft, lingering kiss to her cheek, and breaths in her soft sweet breaths as he moves away before maneuvering to gently carry her inside the apartment, one hand also holding her single carry-on bag that didn’t escape his notice as he knew she usually traveled with a case.

Pushing the door with his hips to a soft close, he makes his way towards the bedroom and sets her down as gently as he could. He places her bag on the floor then removes her shoes and jacket before arranging the blankets around her so that she wouldn’t feel cold. 

Benny sits on the side of the bed, Beth’s body facing towards his, as he still couldn’t seem to believe that she was really here in his apartment, was in his arms, and was now sleeping on his bed. Yet he couldn’t shake off the fear that if he were to look away, she would once again disappear and that everything would’ve been a dream. 

With a last caress of her hair, Benny turns the lamp off and leaves the room, closing the door shut as he willed his body away from the enticing bed to and to just wrap his arms around the lithe body he had been aching to embrace. 

He moves to the sofa, landing heavily as he stretches his body out, head leaning back to look up the ceiling. Benny lets out a sigh and rests his arm on his forehead, the book he had earlier been reading lay nestled at the edge of the sofa by his arm. 

For the rest of the early morning, Benny lay awake, his ears listening to the movements in his room, as his fears of the red headed woman currently occupying his bed only being in his dreams and disappearing plagued his mind, sleep being the farthest from his thoughts.

Within the soft covers in the night filled bedroom, a glistening tear could be seen sliding down Beth’s cheek as her senses takes in the spicy citrus scent she was once again encased in.

In her dreams, long arms were snuggled around her stomach, blond tuffs of hair brushed against her neck along with every soft breath on her shoulder as each rise of a familiar bare chest lulled her deeper into sleep with their legs entwined. For the first time since obtaining her international title, Beth Harmon lay asleep without a single restless thought, her mind peaceful and quiet.

\+ 

As he had predicted, Benny had not been able to sleep a wink. Being less than 10 steps away from the very essence he had been preparing himself to let go off had made it impossible for his brain to shut off and to overall feel the exhaustion he knew he should be feeling. He had spent the better part of the morning listening to any movement that would indicate his Queen’s rousing –

Wait. _His Queen?_

_Well, that’s new_ Benny thought. It’s official. He’s finally lost his marbles, stating something was his even though it was clear Beth Harmon would never be his to begin with. Although, that wasn’t assuredly correct either since she is here, sleeping in his apartment, even though she had no reason to travel all the way here.

Standing up from his not-so-comfortable-to-sleep-on couch, Benny walks towards his bedroom door, the early rays of the sun filling the dreary room with light, making his hair appearing more golden than blond. Hearing no signs of life, Benny opens the door and sees Beth still asleep, the blanket drawn up to her chin. 

He makes his way over to her, sitting on the edge with one leg crossed, and runs his fingers through the curly ginger hair. Feeling the warm touch, Beth turns towards Benny, her hair brushing the side of his knee as gentle fingers kept a steady pace in petting her hair. How long had he been wanting to do this? How long had he been dreaming of a moment like this? To be close to her again?

“Your hair grew longer” Benny whispered. He leans down, hovering just above her nose. “Time to wake up kid”. His thumb brushes away the strands of hair covering her forehead and leaves a chaste kiss between her eyebrows before drawing back. Benny takes one last look at his sleeping queen then stand up to make their morning coffee. 

The moment the smell of coffee hits the air, Benny was sure she’d wake up the same way she used to before. Although there were a few different things from last time, like how they were both wearing more clothes and that they hadn’t spent the night warm and toasty in each other’s arms. 

Benny found himself missing and wishing for the latter more than the former.

\+ 

The smell of coffee permeated the air as Beth woke from her slumber, feeling well rested than she’d ever had since her departure to Paris. Dark brown eyes slowly blinked away the remaining haze of sleep as she takes in the surroundings, brows furrowing in confusion at the softness of the mattress under her fingers and toes rather than the cold cemented steps and leather footwear.

Beth sits up, the covers pooling along her hips, as she tries to remember what had happened, expecting to wake up sitting along the leaf covered steps outside the room she was now inhabiting. Her head instinctively turns to the right, searching for the clock on the nightstand. It seems like her body knew more about what was going on rather than her harebrained head. 

_9:15AM_

If memory serves her right and that she wasn’t just hallucinating from whatever she might have ingested, she had arrived at around one in the morning and had all but collapsed at the stairs, her body deciding that it was a good time to shut down. Although sleep walking was never something she had experienced, Beth wonders if it was something to consider. 

Hearing the sound of tableware clattering from the kitchen, Beth bends forward, her hand rubbing the back of her neck as she takes in deep and steady breaths to prepare herself in facing what she had been escaping from ever since she ran away from it. As she thinks back to the late hours looking at the passing lights in the cab, seeing the streets of New York had made her feel somewhat at ease again.

Thinking back to those wistful days, the loud voices that would usually torment her mind were reduced to whispers, and even though the awkward and narrow airbed was nowhere near as comfortable as her four-poster bed in Kentucky, the knowing presence of the man residing in the room beside the barely decorated living room was enough for her to have a peaceful rest.

Despite her raging emotions, she had never felt more at home than when she had spent her five weeks at the barely lit basement apartment even though she had been apprehensive in accepting the spontaneous training invitation after their match in Ohio. 

But looking at those piercing blue eyes and blond hair that seemed to temp her hand to just reach out and be petted, introduced an indescribable but also spine-chilling emotion. A light fluttering feeling that seemed to travel from the pit of her stomach, up to the skin that covered her arms for every second he gave his undivided attention as those same eyes traced and followed her every movement, making her pulse raise, her breath shudder, and her mind blank, the beer she had drank useless in bringing her into that numbing escape. 

She had felt alive. She had felt petrified. 

No words could describe the chaos that the leather-wearing chess player could raise from her each time he shook her to the core with his actions, each time they spoke, and for each time they were within an arm’s reach. 

So she ran. 

She had made a promise to herself never to be distracted from her goal until she had obtained it, even if it meant letting go of the second man that had made her feel like home and that had made her feel like she had somewhere to belong. Now here she was, back to the place she never thought she’d step another foot in again. 

Beth knew she couldn’t stay hidden in his bedroom forever. Benny probably already knew she was awake since she always found herself waking up during the early hours of the day during her previous stay no matter how late she slept. If he didn’t want anything to do with her, he would never have brought her inside, or at least, carried her into his bedroom. 

She had a chance. She could still talk to him and even if it doesn’t turn out the way she’d hope, then maybe they could at least be friends again. Having Benny in her life rather than be in her life was better than not having him at all. 

With that in thought, Beth steels her mind as she moves the covers away from her body and swings her legs to the edge of her bed, exhaling slowly before standing up and making her way to the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated: 3/5/2021


	7. I Need to Know

Benny was plating some eggs and bacon, something he’d long learned of being Beth’s favorite, when the door of his bedroom clicked open, indicating their impending and long-awaited reunion. He had imagined more than ten scenarios and even more outcomes of how it might turn out, some of which ending with a face full of steaming hot coffee or a plate of eggs and a few where they both reach an agreement and eventually get unclothed, a happy ever after he hopes to come true. 

But since nothing seems to go the way he wants whenever Beth Harmon is involved, the vision he had of her sitting up from the table, grabbing her bags and quietly exiting from his apartment, regretting her choice of ever coming to New York worries him the most since he has no idea why she came back in the first place.

He’s wanted this for so long since she’d refused him. Yet now, he can’t help but feel terrified of what’s to come and if this would be the last time he’ll ever have her despite his previous resolve of letting her go after waiting for one more week. When had he fallen so hard for her? Why is it that he could no longer see a future that she wasn’t part of? Where it didn’t involve her? He’s guarded himself from being attached to anyone for so long, yet here he is, pinning for the most desirable woman in his field that’d turn heads wherever she went. 

He dug his grave from the moment he challenged her to speed chest at the student union where she’d nurtured his growing interest up to when she won against him that instead of feeling bitter, made him proud and in awe of her ever-evolving leaps and bounds. The reciprocation of her flirting and small caresses that he’d entertained rather than his usual snub didn’t go unnoticed, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy every bit of it.

Being with Beth Harmon was as easy as steady water running down the stream but also as rough as raging rapids. 

They were the same yet also different. 

But if there’s one thing that Benny is sure of, it’s that he could hand over a hundred games if it meant finding the solution to letting her go, but he would also play a thousand times over, winning every chance he could get if it meant staying with her and never letting go.

Distracted from his thoughts, he didn’t notice as Beth silently made her way to the dining table, staring at his back with arms crossed in front, her brows furrowed, and waiting for him to turn or say something. Anything. 

Benny turns around, his eyes taking in the visage of her tousled hair and slightly wrinkled dress, clearly just having woken up from a night’s rest. He recalls an image of her being in the same state a few months prior, dressed in one of his oversized shirts, hair more mussed because of his wondering fingers, right leg pressed closed to her chest while the other lay resting on his lap. Her elbow was leaning on the sofa, head resting on her petite hand while they both passed the early hours of the day staring into each other’s eyes after having just woken up. 

He walks over to the table to put the plate beside the already waiting cup of coffee and gestures for her to sit down on the seat in front of him. Beth looks over the plate before staring back at Benny who was already sitting with his own cup in between long, bony fingers, his eyes unwaveringly locked on her.

“Why, hello Beth” She takes in a sharp breath before replying. 

“Why, hello Benny”

Benny’s lips curl up slightly into a small grin. “Well, aren’t you going to eat? I mean if you fancy a game over breakfast, I’m all up to it. Wouldn’t be the first time”. His eyes never left hers, observing her every move. A common occurrence each time they were together and something she’d never get tired of.

During the earlier stages of their somewhat complicated…relationship, Beth took notice of how Benny easily caved towards her whims, as long as it didn’t involve anything that would harm or aid her self-destructing tendencies. She had taken his patience and tolerance for granted on more than one occasion, fully aware that he wouldn’t say or stop her from doing what she wanted. It wasn’t until his outburst during their phone call before her flight to Moscow that she truly felt afraid that she had finally worn him out.

“Benny, I –“ Beth started, guilt pooling inside her chest that was heavily moving up and down from seeing Benny’s everlasting care. He had always remembered even the most miniscule of things when it came to her.

“Just sit down and eat Beth”

“Benny please, I want to–“ Benny puts his cup down on the table with a loud thud, making Beth flinch but not moving back from where she stood. Her breathing was now more ragged as if she had just run up the stairs. Her arms wrapped around her more tightly, holding herself from moving away. She could feel the familiar prickling of tears starting to form but she held it from spilling. She wasn’t going to break down in front of him. 

Not now. 

She wasn’t about to back down especially when he was finally here with her. It didn’t matter if Benny screamed at her for leaving him at this point. What Beth wanted the most was for him to hear her apology and know her feelings, whether he accepts them or not. She’ll deal with whatever happens next when they get there. But for now, her priority was getting out the words she wanted to convey.

Beth takes a step forward before slamming her hands on the table, “Damn it Benny! I’m trying to –“. Her words were once again cut off when she suddenly felt a pair of lips crash against hers, drawing her into a rough and passionate kiss. By the time Beth registered what was happening, Benny had pulled her towards him, arms pressing her flushed against his warm body, and whatever she had intended to say now forgotten.

\+ 

He hadn’t meant to lose control. He had every intention of letting her speak her mind and release everything she’d wanted to say to him. But after seeing her rumpled up state, overthinking the possible outcomes of their talk and taking a whiff of her flowery scent, his control had started to crack despite his best efforts to keep it at bay. All he could think of was taking her until she was screaming his name to high heaven, pupils blown from lust, body flushed red and glistening with sweat. It didn’t help that she was staring straight into his him either.

The only thing stopping him from grabbing her the moment she stepped into his view was the cup that was tightly held between his hands. He didn’t mean to appear angry, but the moment she spoke, he found himself not wanting to hear anything. He and Beth had always understood each other through their gestures and plays and if he wanted for her to see what he truly meant to him, that was exactly was he was going to do. To express everything that she was through something he knew she would understand the most. 

When he saw the determined look on her face, eyes full of fire despite the building tears, he had barely registered the slam of her hands against the table when he stood to pull her into his yearning arms, pouring everything he was currently feeling into a kiss, effectively drowning her words and once again feeling her soft curves against his fingers, the scent of her skin filling his nostrils and driving him towards the edge, although he doubted that he hadn’t already reached it.

He had prepared himself to be pushed away, confirming his fears. But instead, lithe arms wound around his neck, pressing him closer as fingers traced the back of his neck and clutch onto his locks, deepening the kiss. His tongue traced her lower lip and he felt her allow him access, his tongue roaming around her cavern, tasting her sweetness. Their soft moans filled the room, not holding back from letting each other know their desires. 

Taking hold of her firm backside, Benny hoists her up on the kitchen table as Beth wraps her legs around his waist for leverage. She lets out another moan as he squeezes her rear, as she draws him impossibly close, molding their bodies together as her legs tightly lock him in place, wanting nothing more than for him to be inside her as she feels the evidence of his lust rub against the sensitive bundle of nerves, his body feeling warmer than ever.

Benny pulls away slightly, his forehead resting on hers, and eyes opening to rake over her panting form. He moves his hand to cup her face before pressing a soft and tender kiss on her forehead, on her eyes, on her cheeks, on the hollow of her neck, on the tip of her nose and finally back to her lips. A slow, languid kiss, devoid of the previous hunger and roughness. 

“Beth” Benny whispers, lips hovering over hers. “Beth, I need to know. I need to know if you’re here to stay” His eyes moving from her mouth to directly look at her brown orbs. “or” His voice hitches slightly before asking,

“If you’re here to say goodbye”

**Author's Note:**

> Updated: 3/5/2021


End file.
